IN MY time, if a girl were in a relationship, she wouldn’t be seen having a one-on-one meal with another guy, even as friends,” Aunty Julie, one of my mother’s friends, told me over dinner one night.
A glance around our crowded restaurant confirmed that in our trendy, modern world, it is not out of the ordinary for a woman to enjoy the company of a man whom she isn’t in a relationship with.
If you dare tell a 21st century woman that she can’t catch up with her male friends, she’ll most likely laugh and do it anyway, just to prove to you that she can.
There is also the never-ending debate of whether a man and woman can truly be “just friends” and there are usually an equal amount of people who say yes and no.
My fiancé Yuri and I were friends for three years before we started dating. We shared similar interests and viewpoints on life, the basis for a good friendship.
I vividly recall the night we caught a movie (as friends) and had supper at a nearby McDonald’s after.
I thought nothing about hanging out one-on-one with my guy-friend, right until we bumped into his friends.
I was surprised at how awkward I felt. Here we are, two people buying fast food in the middle of the night, would it look like we were on a date?
It should not matter what other people think or assume, because we both knew that we were strictly just friends. Even so, I was bothered and a little uncomfortable, simply because one of us was in a relationship at that time.
Perhaps it is in all of us, that little twinge of discomfort that we often brush away when we are sharing a happy moment with someone other than our partner or spouse.
Enjoying the company of a member of the opposite sex is far from constituting infidelity, so why should we feel bad?
The evolution of the interaction between men and women has certainly made it easier for us to be in a platonic friendship.
It was not so long ago in the Asian way of conduct that it could ruin a woman’s chances of getting married if there was as much as a whisper of her being alone with another man.
In The Little Nyonya, a Singaporean drama serial set in the 1930s, the realistic portrayal of a typical nyonya woman’s life is fascinating; though a woman of this century might find the notion of doing beadwork and creating tasty dishes as a life purpose quite horrifying.
A nyonya woman’s marriage prospects were determined by here culinary skills and beadwork ability, but what was most important was her chastity.
In the Baba Nyonya custom as depicted in the show, the groom’s family will give nasi lemak to the in-laws when the bride visits her parents on the 12th day of marriage, but only if the bride’s chastity was intact when she married the groom.
It is a disgrace if the bride’s family does not receive the nasi lemak, and the groom’s family will face ridicule for marrying someone impure.
Even though I now look upon nasi lemak with newfound respect, I am extremely grateful to be a woman of this generation.
Still, I think that what a wise person once told me makes sense, “If two people spend enough time together, it is only natural that they fall in love.”
Sometimes, it is not about trust or loyalty. We can, against our better judgment, develop feelings for or be attracted to people whom we never thought we would.
Spending time alone repeatedly with a member of the opposite sex is not a crime, but it is also putting ourselves in a position where we are able to understand them better, to laugh at their jokes, to see their kind nature and keen intelligence and to fall in love, if not, lust.
I have many friends who have managed purely platonic relationships with their guy friends, and I also have friends who started close friendships that ended in affairs.
Most of the time, we only continue spending time with people we like. We wouldn’t bother being friends with someone who doesn’t stimulate us intellectually, motivate us to strive for more or makes us happy.
If you think about it, these are the same qualities that we seek in a life partner.
I am now marrying one of my best guy friends, so I guess that’s saying something!
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