Marriage matters

What say you on the issue below?

Some people are bent on staying single. Here’s why.

WHAT do you think of marriage?

I posed this question to several unmarried individuals I met during the week, and here are some of their replies: “I want it, but right now there are other priorities … like my career”; “Can’t imagine it. I’m enjoying my freedom too much to ever want to share my life with someone”; “Marriage is just a formality. Sometimes you get tax benefits from it, but not much. Why bother?”

Different attitudes: Some couples enter into a relationship with marriage in mind while others steer clear of tying the knot. — Image courtesy of Anna-Rina Photography

These people come from diverse backgrounds but their thoughts on marriage indicate that times may be changing. Compared to a generation ago when relationships were, by and large, entered into with marriage in mind, people are more casual about marriage these days.

My friends and I joke about having to set aside money for the weddings we attend every month, but we are also aware that the concept of lifelong commitment is rejected by more people than previously.

Need for freedom

In today’s fast-paced world where opportunities to pursue career and personal interests abound, the idea of being committed to one person for the rest of one’s life can be overwhelming. This is especially true for individuals who place a lot of importance on being independent.

The concept of marriage has changed over the decades. What used to be a natural progression for a lifelong union for any relationship is now regarded more casually by the younger generation.

Siti, a journalist in her 30s who prefers to remain anonymous, says: “I don’t want to be tied down to anyone. I like to travel and be away for long periods of time if I wish, and I don’t want to be told what to do.”

Siti is smart, good at her work, financially independent, and knows exactly how she wants to spend her time. To free-spirited individuals like her, who have never been in a serious relationship, being answerable to another person weighs like baggage you don’t need.

According to Siti, her upbringing has nothing to do with her outlook on marriage. In fact, she grew up in a traditional environment. Her mother took care of their home, and her father – the sole breadwinner – would come home from work in the evenings for dinner.

Siti says she still thinks marriage is a respectful institution and an important pillar of society; she just feels that “it is not for everybody”.

While some people reject marriage from the outset, others shy away from it after having experienced a marriage that did not work out. Theresa Sim, a high-profile manager in a bank, is one such person.

Sim gave up on the idea of marriage a decade ago after divorcing her husband of three years. Marriage proved too demanding for her. Having to spend time with her in-laws instead of with her own family, especially during important occasions like Chinese New Year, was difficult for her.

“They were kind people but I just could not embrace them like my own parents. I could not visit my family as much as I would have liked, and that just tore me apart,” recalls the 43-year-old, who is now happily single.

Sim still dates occasionally but marriage is out of the question.

Wang Leehom and Crystal Liu in the movie Love In Disguise. Should marriage be driven by romance, as the movies sell it, or by commitment and hard work?

“I make that clear from the start in any relationship,” she says. “I am currently dating someone who understands and agrees with my stance. We don’t need to be married to be happy.”

Sim says her parents are supportive of the choice she has made and have accepted the fact that their daughter is not going to bear them grandchildren.

Just a formality

While some people rule out marriage, they are not against the idea of a long-term relationship.

“As long as there is trust and good communication between two people in a relationship, marriage on paper is not necessary,” says 27-year-old Shingly Chan (not her real name), a freelance photographer who lives with her boyfriend.

“I don’t need a marriage cert like how I don’t need a MyKad to establish that I’m Malaysian,” she says.

Chan and her boyfriend share household and financial responsibilities in the rented house they live in. They share everything, in fact, except a bank account, and are fiercely devoted to each other. The couple has no desire to have children in the foreseeable future, so the current arrangement works just fine.

Their parents are casual and modern enough to let them have their way, says Chan.

The only thing that might send them to the marriage registrar, they say, would be an unexpected signal from the pregnancy kit.

“We’ll cross that bridge if we get there. I might consider marriage only to protect my family from social stigma,” Chan says.

Sometimes people decide against marriage because of religious differences – for example, where one partner is Muslim and the other isn’t. Couples in which one party refuses to convert as required by the law find themselves in a Catch-22 situation.

“I’ve seen marriages fall apart from such undue pressure,” says Marina Yusof (a pseudonym), a Muslim citizen who despairs at the thought of putting a non-Muslim man through the statutory requirements in Malaysia.

Marina explains that converting because one sees no other option can lead to resentment. She saw how her former brother-in-law retaliated after converting. After 18 months of emotional turmoil for both parties, the couple parted ways.

“My sister’s experience is enough to turn me off. If I’m to go through the same thing, I’d rather not date at all,” she says.

Just a piece of paper?

People who embrace marriage, though, are sometimes puzzled as to why the “formality” of a piece of paper bothers some couples.

“Life is about making and keeping commitments, isn’t it? Two unique individuals doing life together. Unless there are sensitive racial or religious issues that need to be sorted out, why would it be a problem to sign a legal document?” questions Tan Xiao Wen, a marketing executive, who took her vows four years ago.

“Are people today looking for a way out when the going gets tough?” she wonders.

Sheena Balan Marshall, 28, a childcare specialist, says: “It’s all about the person you’re with. If one is getting married just for the sake of it, of course the relationship will unravel. But if it’s somebody you can trust, then marriage is the most natural and beautiful thing to do,” she says.

“We notice in some young couples a lack of confidence in marriage as a social institution. Even those who want it only have vague ideas of it,” observes Michael Constantine, a Christian counsellor who runs a family and relationship counselling ministry with Diane, his wife of 41 years.

“Socially, more things have become acceptable now. And a lot of it comes from the media,” points out Constantine, an American. He says the way love is portrayed in the movies is now different from before: In an intimate moment when a guy professes his “love” to his partner, he is more likely to ask her to move in with him, not marry him.

“That seems to be the script in real life, too,” Constantine notes.

Many couples tend to rely on romantic attachment to make a relationship work, as opposed to the age-old values of commitment and hard work, he opines. Many failed marriages indicate that young people enter into matrimony unprepared for the emotional, social and financial adjustments that are necessary. Hence, many people feel justified in their decision to not marry, to avoid the “mess”.

The 64-year-old points out that back in the old days, it wasn’t a question of whether his relationship with his wife Diane could last.

“We were going to make it last, and that was it,” he says firmly.