A first wife speaks up

What say you on the issue below?

While polygamy isn’t something new in Malaysia, Muslim women’s opinions on it vary widely. Some agree, and others don’t, but they all share similar thoughts that a man should always receive blessings from his first wife.

However, what happens when one is unwittingly trapped in a semi-clandestine marriage and how does one cope when things go badly?

For 51-year-old lecturer Kamariah Rahman (not her real name), her marriage quickly turned into a nightmare after she discovered that her husband had secretly taken another wife. Here is the mother of two’s story:

“The mildest way to describe how I felt when I was told is numbness. Up till today, I’m not sure how I survived the first 24 hours. But after the initial shock had worn off, huge waves of emotion hit me and I must have cried throughout the night . . . or the entire year that followed.

“Arguments became a constant feature after that. The problems that ensued didn’t have anything to do with the other wife, but more with my husband. His trust is what I’ve never been able to live with since. To me, nothing can take the place of honour.

Members of the new Ikhwan Polygamy Club which was established in August.

“Everyone at home suffered. I had to cut down on a few purchases, but it wasn’t a big deal since he remained relatively generous.

“However, we were affected in bigger ways emotionally, especially our children. They never got enough attention from their dad. On the other hand, we could see that whenever he was with the second wife’s kids, he would give them his full attention whenever they needed to speak to him.

“Experience has taught me that it is only human nature to feel that when there is more than one wife or children, special preference will exist. Sometimes, it just isn’t possible for a man to divide his love as religion tells him to do. I was my father’s favourite!

“There were times when I was so consumed in my own unhappiness that my duties and attention to the kids began to seriously dwindle as well, which should never have happened. My daughter, in a desperate attempt to reach out to me — zombie mother — wrote an excruciatingly sad poem telling me how emotionally cold I had become and that she, in turn, was now existing in an extremely lonely world.

“When I read it, I said to myself: ‘That’s it woman, enough already of the Bollywood drama! Time to shake the old bones out of this non-productive hibernation mode’. And I did.

“All in all, I am most certain that during my husband’s polygamous adventure, he must have felt that he had died and gone to the lowest level of Hades because never in his wildest imagination did he think he would end up with two very strong-willed women.

“The poor man had deluded himself into thinking that both of his wives were of the meek and mild variety. Therefore, never let it be said that we women are the gentler sex because when push comes to shove, the saying ‘Hell hath no fury’ doesn’t half describe what she is capable of.”